Interview!

Oh my god, I just had two interviews and a photoshoot. I'm going to have my picture in the paper, and a feature on a website. This is surreal!

I'm teaching a new class next year, and it's kind of groundbreaking. Which is super exciting and inspiring, and also means that lots of people care, and apparently that newspapers and magazines want to write about it!

It's strange to be the voice of this, because there are so many people who have worked so hard for so long to make this kind of thing happen (if you know me, you know what kind of thing, and what kind of class, I'm talking about), and in many ways, this just fell into my lap. And now people are asking me to speak about it!

I'm going to do my damnedest to do it justice, though. I have so many ideas, none of which have to do with standards or alignment or anything else that curricular specialists would say I should focus on - it's a revolutionary class, so why shouldn't the approach to education be a little revolutionary?

I'm going to bring in podcasts and speakers and teach activism and infuse art into every nook and cranny of this learning that I can. We'll read primary documents and create context and compare intense hypotheticals because they've got enough focus on literacy going on. Skills are great and all, but if you're not inspired to do anything with them, then what's the point?

I didn't talk about that in the interviews so much though. Instead, I talked about how amazing the community I teach in is. There aren't many places that would allow this kind of class, and even fewer that would be celebrating it. I feel so blessed. And the pressure's on! This has to be good.

#fingerscrossedemoji

Target; A Magical Land

Speechless

A flashback to when I first found out I was pregnant with EtheFirst:

I'd suspected for a few days that I was pregnant. There was this knot in my belly, like a flattened tennis ball. That was actually what I pictured when I first noticed it, as if somehow a tennis ball had just wandered its way into my uterus. In that way they do sometimes. Because clearly, through the noisy brain fog of "am I aren't I am I aren't I am I aren't I," I was thinking logically. And it wasn't so much that I could feel a new firmness when I pressed my fingertips into my stomach, though I could, a bit. It was that I was just conscious of it, the way you know your ankle is sprained before the pain even hits, or know that your boyfriend is going to break up with you the moment he walks in the door, before anyone has said a word.

At school, when I thought (hoped) none of the other teachers were looking, I'd do a little wiggle. Maybe it was just a fart. Or a rogue intestine! Maybe I'd get my period tomorrow. Maybe, four months from now, I'd still fit into my just-bought wedding dress. Or "maybe," (said the hypochondriac who lives all the way in the back of my brain) "...something is wrong. Maybe it's cancer." Could I still fit into my wedding dress then? "Probably you'll be even thinner after chemo," snarked my teenaged self, "but your hair will look like shit." She was the one who thought vomiting after meals was the way to make friends, the idiot. I flipped them both off in the bathroom mirror and indulged instead in the mama fantasies.

Sweet little cheeks, roly-poly thighs, eyes that cross from trying so hard to see you while giving eskimo kisses. A little bit him, a little bit me, a little bit of a soul coming back earthside for another attempt at nirvana. I craved a baby. My imaginary future self, the one who had life totally figured out, taunted me with her perfect motherhood. "This can't be yours, you know. You're broken, remember?" I knew she was lying. Probably lying. Probably (I crossed my fingers). The doctors only said it would be hard to get pregnant, not impossible. And it's not like that monthly indicator of my failed attempts at motherhood had arrived yet. That painful morning-time reach for a tampon that, for so much of my life had been a little red celebration meaning I knew how to use birth control properly, but suddenly (sometime in my late twenties) had become this near-literal punch to the gut. Failure and despair and all my lonely feelings, leaking out of me every month. So I closed my eyes, shut out that version of me who probably wears sweater sets and pearls for house cleaning, and sang sunshiney songs to the tennis ball baby in my belly.

Another day passed, the now-familiar "am I? I'm not. I think I am? I'm not" refrain running nonstop in my head, is a distracting backup singer to all my lectures on the Russian Revolution. "The Tsar thought of himself as Russia's little father" my teacher self told the kids, as I fantasized about the father my fiance would be to this imaginary baby.

Still, I waited to actually do anything about it. Because once you pee on that stick, it's either real, and your suspicions are confirmed and then holy crap, you're pregnant, or...or you're not, and you've been hallucinating and fantasizing for a week. Also, you've now got this tennis ball thing to get checked out. And who wants to write "tennis ball uterus" as her chief complaint when checking in at the doctor's office? Both options terrified me. So I waited, and waited, until almost a week past when every other logical person would have thought back to 10th grade health class, and then gone to the damn Walgreens, bought a First Response, and done something useful with her pee for once.

By Sunday night, the back-and-forth in my head was so loud I couldn't hear my toothbrush do its familiar "schhh schhh schhh" while I got ready for bed. The toothbrush just sang "pregnant, pregnant, pregnant," or alternately "crazy, crazy, crazy" until I said out loud "FINE."

"Tomorrow morning," my stern face told me in the mirror, "you're going to suck it up and face reality."

The night came and went, and before the cobwebs cleared my head, I went for it. The minute in between peeing on that stick and watching first one, then two, blue lines appear, seemed to last at least an hour. I'm not sure I breathed. I definitely didn't move. And none of my selves said a thing. I just sat for a moment, pants around my ankles, staring into the mirror across from the toilet at this new version of me. First one tear, then two rolled silently down my cheek, dropping onto my thigh. And finally, when I breathed again, a big gulping gasp of air, my strangled voice, and every other part of me, shouted "thank you" to the universe, in the very quietest voice, so I could hold my secret for just a little bit longer.

Victory!

I've been advocating for something at my work for a very long time. For as long as I've worked there. Many people who just didn't want to change have been against what I wanted, but I did not give up. I researched, I argued, I modeled my own practices, and today, my boss told me that I'd changed his mind. Starting next year, the change I wanted will happen!

I can't be more specific about it yet, because not everyone who is involved knows about it yet, but if you know me and my work, especially where I began my teaching career, you might know what this is.

I'm so excited to see this change happen, and so glad I didn't give up.

Nope

Got this from my district today, inviting all NBCTs to come watch, it'll be great!

Nope. This kind of junk is part of what keeps us underpaid. My students are not a mercy project, they are people who need me to do my work well for their benefit, not in order to feel like a superior person. My craft is not built out of good intentions, and good intentions aren't where learning comes from. Teaching IS a job. It takes talent, work, study, and it should be paid like the profession it is. We don't say this about doctors or firefighters or politicians. And you know what? We pay them properly. I wish my district and my union would stop perpetuating this crummy myth that teaching is done out of goodness, rather than out of passion and talent and desire for career.

I hate this narrative about my profession. It's damaging to me, my students, education as a whole.

Conversations with E the First

E1: Mama, where do firefighters come from?
Me: Sometimes little boys and girls who want to help people grow up and decide to become firefighters.
E1: Oh I know, jus' like the firefighters at the firestation
Me: Yeah! What do you want to be when you grow up, Em?
E1: A good monster.

Undervaluing Teachers and Women

This Washington Post article is making the rounds among my teacher friends lately. They share it to build awareness, to counteract their perception that teachers have a terrible reputation, that we are maligned, that no one appreciates the work we do, that we are "rotten apples." 

…. First, let me clarify what it means to be a public school educator in the United States today. Unfortunately, at college campuses around this country, [education students] are berated by their peers for their career choice. I was told on many occasions at the University of Virginia that I was wasting my time and talent on teaching. 

And in many ways, I agree with that perception, and with the teacher who originally wrote this letter to TIME Magazine, in response to this pretty awful cover.

The article itself is much more nuanced, though still flawed...but this cover is pretty crappy  
(image via Time)

No one does get the work we do, but everyone thinks they do! Because we've all gone through school, sat there for 13 years critiquing our experience, knowing with certainty that we would do better than that crazy lady up in front of the room, we (as a country) think we know what teaching is. Trust me, you don't know, unless you've done it. It's a juggling act that requires constant mental acrobatics. It's being criticized and challenged all day long. It's answering questions with questions, making the worst things sound hopeful, loving those people who drive you crazy, and making the most boring thing in the world seem thrilling. It's being mistrusted by parents, manipulated, constantly censoring yourself. It's running out of words at noon but still having hours of talking to go. 

Also, when I hear the phrase "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach." Teaching is a craft, in and of itself. I bet you I could teach biology better than a lot of biologists, because even though I understand so much less of the subject, I understand teaching.  
(image via teachers with a sense of humor)

But it's not the sacrifice of self that this article, and so many others, present it to be. 

Or at least, it shouldn't be. 

Teachers - stop it. Stop doing unpaid work. Stop giving more than your job description requires of you. You are damaging our profession and YOU are why we are under appreciated. 

No other profession claims this...why do we, and so proudly? 
(image via teachers with a sense of humor)

Let me explain - when we go above and beyond, when we work extra hours, when we buy our own supplies, we tell the world that we don't need better salaries, that we don't need better funding. We are making do with less, so we are given less. 

And all the rest of the world sees is that they still don't get enough education or attention for their kids. They don't see that we're giving more than we get, because WE are not their focus (nor should we be). Their children are their focus; their children who are being failed, across the board. 

They are subjected to awful tests that we administer, even as we say how much we hate them and how pointless they are. They are assigned huge amounts of homework, even as we protest the huge workload our students must cope with. We enforce rigid behavioral expectations, inwardly cringing at the ridiculousness of these arbitrary rules that drive our school system. 

We do this to ourselves 
(image via teachers with a sense of humor)

We have the power to change this, and writing yet another article detailing how willing we are to be doormats to ridiculous expectations is not the way to change it. 

Instead, we need to stop. 

Stop bringing in supplies. If our students don't have what they need, bring attention to THAT, not how great you are for bringing them supplies. No one likes a braggart. Also, it's not addressing the actual problem, which is that our schools are underfunded.

 (image via teachers with a sense of humor)

Stop working extra hours. Don't bring grading home. If it can't be done in the time you're paid for, it can't be done. Reevaluate your assignments, your lessons, how much feedback you give. You devalue all of us when you do this and YOU spread the expectation that we all are willing to work for free. You are the reason we earn 14% of what similarly educated adults earn, 60% of what our peers earn. 

I, for one, am not willing to work unpaid any longer. 

And here's the kicker. Teaching is largely women's work. And women's work is always the work that is undervalued, underpaid, unappreciated. We do more housework, more childcare, more eldercare. We manage families while working full time. Sheryl Sandberg has advised us to lean in, and while I see problems with a lot of what she says, I agree with her premise that we should not undervalue ourselves. 

Why not? Some days, I totally do this for the money. Because it's a job, not a hobby!

A stand by teachers, a refusal to sacrifice ourselves for some vague idea of the greater good, may be the reality check the rest of the United States needs. 

Because while we continue down this road of trying to create awareness of our sacrifices, we're only going to perpetuate the expectation that we make those sacrifices. 

I wish.
(image via teachers with a sense of humor)

I'm taking a stand. I won't work unpaid any longer. I will teach, I will grade, I will care and correct and coerce and create passionate learners. But I won't do it at the expense of my self. I'm worth more than that.




Disclaimer:  I work in a wonderful and privileged urban school. My students have more advantages than many, and I am afforded more time in my day to plan and meet and prepare than many other teachers. I work for a wonderful administration who believes in teacher freedom whenever possible. It may be that my stand is a luxury that some other teachers don't have. But if I can do it, and start setting the example, then I should, and hopefully others will be able to follow.

Now You Are Three

I can't believe it's gone by so fast! My dear little first child is three today!

Em - You are one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

You are joyful, funny, fun, conniving in a totally obvious way, precocious, a little rambunctious and the light of my life. You make me smile every single day, and you take great pictures!

Today, you like baseball (SO MUCH), dinosaurs, trains, dressing up in costumes (but only for a little while).

Your favorite foods are PB&J, tofu, BBQ chicken wings, french fries, cherry tomatoes (which you call "gwapes"), bananas and yogurt. You steal my toast every morning.

You don't understand pictures that don't move (it's like you grew up in a magical Harry Potter world) and when we FaceTime with Grandma, you always take her on a tour of the house. You introduce me to my parents every time they come to visit.

You want to play with friends but you haven't quite figured out how to do it well all the time, so you spend a lot of time playing chase and taking direction from older kids.

You are so inquisitive! You question everything, which is wonderful and frustrating. And you set me up with your questions all the time:

"Mama, where do rockets come from?"
"They come from NASA, Em"
"No they don't mama. They come from owta space."

"Mama, what's that?"
"It's a tractor, Em"
"No it isn't mama, it's a Bawbcat"

You are so good at riding your strider bike, you can throw a ball better than any other 3 year old I've seen (with your left hand, no less!), and you think you can cartwheel but really, you can't.

You know the letters E, H and O, and you call the letter A a triangle. You have long conversations in the bathtub on your foam letter "W."

When you get in trouble, you often say "honnnnnnnnnk" like the dump truck in "Little Blue Truck" and then you happily sit in the rocking chair in your room until time out is over.

When you count, it usually goes like this: "one, two sree, sore, sive, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, leven, twelve, firteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, THREE TWO ONE blastoff!"

You are a big cousin and a big brother now, and you're so good at it. You help all the time, and give big hugs and kisses, and you transitioned so well to having to share all the adults in your life with two babies.

Happy birthday darling boy. I love you so much!!!!!

I Did It!

I earned my National Board Certification! That whole big project, all bazillion pages of writing and hours of recording and months of stressing - it was all worth it!

And the way they tell you...up until a week ago, I didn't even know when I'd know. But then they sent out an email saying scores would be released on the 15th. Naturally, since I knew they ran on east coast time, I logged in yesterday just after 9 to see if, just maybe, I'd be able to get to my scores. And this is what I saw as soon as I hit "login"

Just like that! Ross and I were both shocked. I wasn't sure I'd pass, and I wasn't sure the scores would be ready, and I definitely wasn't expecting to see the congratulations there right away!

A whole lot of yesterday was hard and kinda crummy...but this was the best end possible! And then I got to run across the backyard, to my sister's place, and share a celebratory glass of wine with her and my dad. Hard to beat that!!

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I'm thankful today for our crockpot, because it makes delicious food while I'm not home; for my dad, working tirelessly to lift our family up and make sure we know how proud he is of us; for the internet, because it relieved me of that awful "running to the mailbox 10 times in an hour just to see if your results have arrived" feeling that I remember so well from the college app days; for my students - I could not have looked so competent without them; for my sister, for a million reasons, but today because she didn't tell my dad I'd passed, even though she knew, so I got to see him read my text and get all surprised and that was really fun; and finally for my husband, because that man read every.single.word I wrote in my National Boards. And it was not good writing. And he told me it was even while deleting huge passages of useless word soup that I'd written at 2 am. And he kept me supplied in snacks and bubbly water and backrubs while I wrote, and never complained once. Except about how the National Boards don't give you nearly enough space to answer all the questions they ask - he complained about that one a lot, as he eliminated every transition word I'd written. But they earned that complaint. So thanks, babe!

Circular Conversations

E#1 can't say Rs yet. (E#2 can't really say anything yet aside from "A-goooo" but that's to be expected). Anyways, E1 can't say Rs, but he can hear them. Which leads to lots of hilarious conversations between him and me.

E: I want to build a wamp with my bwocks!
Me: A wamp?
E: No, a wamp!
Me: A wamp?
E: No mama, a WAMP!
Me: A ramp?
E: Yeah! A wamp!

E: Auntie, I want a cwackew!
Kel: A qwacker?
E: No, a qwackew!
Kel: A qwacker?
E: No Auntie, a QWACKEW!
Kel: A cracker?
E: Yeah, a qwackew!

This also happens with the word "spiderweb" and it makes me laugh so hard every time.

E: Look mama, a spidewob!
Me: A spidewob?
E: No, a spidewob!
Me: A wob?
E: No mama, a WOB!
Me: A web?
E: Yeah! A wob!

It was especially funny at Halloween - decorations all over the place, plus the kids dressed up all in things he couldn't pronounce properly, but could pronounce adorably.






An astwonaut, a dwagon and a wobster!

Visiting

We've had a whirlwind of visitors the past few weeks!

First my brother, his girlfriend, and their daughter came for a quick trip to meet the baby.

Just a little while after that, we got Gertie, the St. Bernard pup, which made it feel like we had a visitor at first, though now it's almost like she's always been here.

Then Ross's dad and his lovely lady came to visit - lots of fun! We took the ferry to SF for dim sum at Yank Sing, grabbed a drink at Forbidden Island, and just had some good family time.

And 3 days after they left, mom came to see us! This was probably the longest time we've gone without seeing her since the first kiddo was born - almost 2 months! I really can't wait until she and dad have a place up here, and can split their time between Alameda and Orange County - less than a year left til Dad retires and the party is on!

It's been lovely, but it'll be nice to have a few weeks of downtime, a chance to settle in to a normal routine as a little family of 4 + dog, before the holidays get going!

Dad will be here for the big kid's birthday in a few weeks, and then it's Thanksgiving, and before we know it, we'll all be piling into the car for a trip down south for Christmas!

Just a Nice Little Wednesday

I've been back at work for a little over a week now, and while it's still hectic and I'm still learning the names of my students (I think I know all my seniors by name, and about half my sophomores...not too bad for my 10th day of work this school year) I'm also at the point where I'm starting to enjoy myself more than I worry.

I wasn't quite sure where to start off my classes, because although my amazing sub did an amazing job, she couldn't possibly make it exactly like it would have been if I'd been there doing the teaching myself. So I started back unsure of what I should teach, and after a mini panic attack, I decided I should start with what I love best, and not worry about the calendar so much!

So seniors have had a week of feminism in AP Gov, and are going to start a unit on Civil Liberties, Civil Rights, and Privilege next week. I reviewed the French Revolution with my sophomores, made fun of Napoleon a bit, and taught skills rather than content (outlining, listening for lecture cues, making educated guesses and practicing being wrong (and being ok with it)). Next week, they'll be starting the Industrial Revolution.

I have a pretty great "hook," or intro, for my Industrial Revolution unit: I bring in tiny coffee stirrers and feathers, show the kids how to make quills, then divide them up into teams (modern versus pre-industrialized). The modern team gets 2 members, and the rest of the class is on the pre-industrialized team. Then they have to race to make illustrated books with some of my favorite quotations about history. The modern team always wins the race, but they never make books that are as interesting or beautiful as the pre-industrialized team. It's a pretty cool way to talk about how technology replaced the artisan, especially since my students are so very artsy.

This year is also my first year at my school not running student activities. It's strange to not be super-involved in everything that's going on, but also awfully relaxing. My prep time so far hasn't been interrupted more than a couple of times (the equivalent of what a typical hour was like last year!) and the stress levels of just teaching, versus teaching while planning expensive events for hundreds of people but also teaching leadership and event planning skills to teenagers who sometimes would prefer fun to work, are just so much lower!

Honestly, a good part of today, including my walk to MUNI and the BART ride home, felt a little bit like a vacation! Because seriously, for a working mother of a 2 month old and an almost 3 year old, indulgence is listening to NPR streaming on my phone while absolutely no one touched me or tried to steal my food!

New Additions

So, we had a baby, which has been pretty exciting, and he's awfully cute! Looks so much like Ross, even down to his frequent grumpy faces.

almost smiling...almost!

And then, because things were just too calm around here (ha!), we got a puppy!

5 months old and already a giant!

Gertrude will probably grow up to be more than 100 lbs, maybe even bigger! E#2 will probably get that big too, eventually, but it's gonna take him a lot longer!

List #13 - Things I am Not Ashamed of

Last Friday, someone from my past threatened to "expose" lies he seems to think are true about me (via a nasty email to my family and friends), along with a few things that actually are true, in an attempt to make me feel awful about myself, to intimidate me, and to get me to do something I do not want to do. This got me thinking that, even though he's wrong about a pile of things, I'm not I'm ashamed of things that I am, or things that I was, or things that I did.

How many things he's wrong about

My experiences are a part of my self, and I think I'm pretty alright. So here is a list of things I might not talk about all that often, but that I'm not ashamed of:

1. I took antidepressants. For that time that I was depressed. It's a pretty common thing, and I know lots and lots of people who've done the same. They helped me. When I was depressed, I couldn't figure out how to get past the "I can't possibly face the world" feelings long enough to even get myself to a therapist, which is kind of important for getting better. Antidepressants made that possible. They also helped me get some real sleep and quieted down some of the mean thoughts my brain was having. I didn't have the best experience stopping them (some quack told me it was fine to just stop...SO not true - that landed me in the ER with serious withdrawal symptoms), but all in all, I'd recommend that someone who is as depressed as I was in 1999 talk to their doctor, 'cause they just might help. Definitely not ashamed.

2. I had an eating disorder. You probably know about that already. I've written about it a few times. No shame - in fact, I want people to know, because the more people know about eating disorders, the easier it will be for others who have them to speak up and seek out help.

via alltreatment.com

3.  I am a feminist. (Yes, seriously, he seems to think that I won't want people to know that). I get the idea he hasn't read this blog.

4. I enjoy sex. Being the typical adult woman that I am, I'm not anti-sex. Most women like sex. Most people like sex. We are created through it, we have biological and emotional and social urges to do it. We talk about it, see it in movies and on TV, think about it, make huge decisions about who to have it with and who not to, and how to have it, and when, and where, and how often, and what should the purpose be, and how to avoid it with people we don't like, or people we used to like but don't anymore. Sex is a huge part of humanity, an important part of a healthy marriage, and I don't think that's a shameful thing at all. I think it's fascinating. When I grow up more, I want to be like SueJo. Have you ever seen her? It's amazing. She's so sex-positive and non-judgey and seems like she just has so much fun, with sex and with life aside from sex.

And she provides such a service to people! How wonderful, to know how to really enjoy such a huge part of the human experience! We are lucky that she does what she does. And that Dr. Ruth does what she does. Also, Masters and Johnson, Good Vibrations, Violet Blue, and on and on. 

These people are some of the ones who taught me that you can choose your choice. That advocating for what you like is the best thing for you (in regards to sex and to life in general). That liking one thing one time with one person IN NO WAY obligates you to like that thing again, with the same person or with a different one. They are how I know that the "nice guy syndrome" exists, and how I know why men who claim to be "nice guys" in that way really aren't.

"Perhaps you need a crash course in taking hints. Here's your first lesson: We're not actually walking somewhere together; I'm trying to leave this conversation and you're following me." via xkcd

5. I dated people before I got married. Some of those people had jobs. Maybe even jobs that not everyone would choose to do, or choose to tell people they did. But only one guy was ever really mean to me. And that had nothing to do with his job. Also, I don't have to own responsibility for the jobs that all the people in my life have had at some point or another. Don't like the job that someone I once dated had?

6. I changed colleges. I started at Cal Berkeley and then transferred to San Diego State. For reasons. Those included depression, wanting to be a teacher, and my future husband living in San Diego. A full 1/3 of students transfer, "most commonly in their second year" which is when I did. Not a big deal. Definitely not shameful. 

7. I'm clumsy. Like all the people in infomercials. I think "As Seen on TV" products were made with me in mind.

via buzzfeed

8. I startle easily. Like, really easily. I'm like this guy, except that I think it's funny. 

Seriously, yesterday I asked Ross for my toothbrush, and then got startled when he handed it to me.

9. I used to drink whiskey. I'm sure you're shocked. It was usually Jack Daniels. Now I tend to prefer Bulleit Bourbon. Oooh, or Breaking & Entering Bourbon from St. George. Or wine. Mmm, wine.

I'm sure there's more. I'm not particularly ashamed of much of anything in my life. Are there things I would do differently if given a second chance? Probably! But who wouldn't? Also, I wouldn't be the exact person I am now if these things hadn't happened, and I like me.

______________________________________________________________________
I am thankful once again for my husband, who stands by my side through everything. And for my sister, who can make me laugh about even the worst things, and just that makes it all seem more manageable. And my parents...dang guys, you got put through it this week. I love you. Also I'm thankful for our new giant dog. Gertrude is awesome!

List #12 - Random Things

1. I've discovered that Unsweetened Silk Soy Milk, with just a tiny bit of honey, a good dash of vanilla, and lots of cinnamon is a good replacement for Horchata...one of the things I've been missing most on this carbs-forbidden diet. (Or at least, it's good enough considering I haven't been allowed to have a real honest to goodness tall cup of deliciousness like Horchata in over a month. No juice or chocolate milk either.) It's awfully nice to have something a little sweet that's also good for me!

2. We bought the kiddo a used toy kitchen and he is mad in love with it. It's really adorable. Today he made me "soup" with eggs, oranges, mushrooms, tomatoes and milk. Mmmmm.

3. Looks like my sub is all lined up for my maternity leave! Hooray! It was a little nerve wracking there waiting for months for the District to get stuff together, but I think (fingers crossed) it's handled now. I've got a huge Google Drive folder full of things for her to use, and we're probably getting together on Friday to go over lessons and procedures and things.

4. I saw an article that said there were going to be a whole bunch of new emojis, but they still don't have a "fingers crossed" emoji. That's silly...I'd use it all the time if they had one. Maybe with the next update...fingers crossed.

5. I really want French Onion Soup for dinner tonight...but we have no onions. We also don't have giant croutons.

6. Ross's artwork is really amazing me lately. I'll do a post soon about what he's been up to at the old Naval Air Station on the island...or maybe I'll get him to write it!

7. We're also, hopefully, fairly close to being able to launch his artist website! I've got an Instagram account set up for him, we've bought the domain RossBecht.com, claimed RossBecht.wordpress.com, and have worked out how to link it all together. So it's mostly just a matter of getting all the right photos together and putting them on pages on the site!

8. I've joined a really great group called Alameda Family Collective - a bunch of families on the island with young kids who plan fun outings and get-togethers and are just awesome. The kiddo is really enjoying playing with other kids his age, and I'm really enjoying time to talk to other moms about mom things...I don't get to do a ton of that, aside from with my sister and mom, and so (I never thought I'd say this but it's totally true) I'm really appreciating sitting around talking about potty training and pregnancy and husbands and all that stuff.

9. Some good stuff has happened with regard to the diabetes and Kaiser and that whole mess. I put a little update at the end of the post where I wrote about it. And I think I'm finally ready to share that one with the larger crowd, not just the couple of you awesome people who subscribe to my blog or have my page bookmarked on your phone  :-)

Gestational Diabetes and Disordered Eating - Real Advice (Thank God!)

There's an awesome website/group/resource up here called Berkeley Parents Network, or BPN for short. When I was getting the runaround from Kaiser last week about how to manage my new diagnosis and feeling horribly beat down by all the restrictions and judgment from the people who were supposed to help me, as well as the total inaccessibility of a nutritionist or someone like that, I turned to their "Advice" Newsletter (one of several I subscribe to) for help. It's an awesome thing - you write in, describing your problem, a few days later a big email with lots of questions goes out, and in one week (hopefully!) you have lots of responses. Here's what I wrote:

Gestational diabetes and eating disorder recovery
-------------------------------------------
I've been in recovery from various eating disorders, mostly bulimia, for about 13 years now. I still have periods of struggling with food and anxiety about weight but for the most part, I'm a healthy eater, emotionally stable, and adept at avoiding triggering situations that might send me down that rabbit hole again. I don't generally check my weight, don't read nutrition labels but eat a whole, mostly unprocessed, vegetarian diet and balanced meals with lots of whole grains and veggies and fruit, and generally eat what sounds good, trusting that my body knows best, and it has for a long time. Not to say I don't have ice cream or cookies or what have you!

Pregnancy, particularly the nausea part and the monitored weight gain, is a little trickier than my usual routine, but I stayed healthy and happy during my first pregnancy, and for most of my 2nd (I'm due in 7 weeks).

But...I was just diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes and now am confronted with all sort of rules and triggers for my disordered eating. 4 times daily blood sugar checks feel like immediate criticism or praise of my meal choices. Having to eat eggs in the morning brings on nausea. The literature that Kaiser is providing recommends all sorts of ''tricks'' that I used to do to avoid food - drink lots of water before meals, put half your food away before you start eating, etc, and there isn't much more help to be had. The weekly call-in for my blood sugar numbers requires me to divulge food choice for ''bad'' meals and listen to criticism about those choices. The registered dietitians have no appointments available to help with diet choices until the end of July, and only my OB seems to understand that giving lists of eating rules to someone like me may cause psychological harm. I was even told by one person over the phone to stop gaining weight, but also don't lose weight (I've gained 15 pounds total in 33 weeks). I'm still crying over that - you'd think a nutritionist would understand how much work went into allowing myself to be ok gaining pregnancy weight, but I guess not.

I'm hoping for success stories from others who have been in similar situations, vegetarian meal ideas, empathy, or any other kind of advice. I'm flailing, and I feel like I have to choose between my mental health and my baby's physical health. Isn't there a way to do this that won't make me feel crazy?

Thanks,
Just want to be healthy

And like the awesome people they are, the Bay Area members of BPN wrote back to me! This afternoon, the "Advice Given" newsletter had 16 (!) responses from people who only wanted to cheer me on and try to help. So I'm gonna share those responses here, in the hope that if someone else out there is looking for support for any combination of eating disorder, pregnancy, diabetes or something like vegetarianism or being gluten-free, that they'll find the same kind of emotional lift that I did from knowing I'm not alone (regardless of how Kaiser or the rest of the internet may have made me feel).

++ Gestational diabetes and eating disorder recovery
-------------------------------------------
I did the gestational diabetes program thru kaiser with the 4 jabs a day and the
weekly calls too but I don't have a history with eating disorders.

But here are my suggestions anyway. First look at it as INTERESTING. It will be
fascinating to see what meals get your blood sugar up. I was often surprised - my
trigger was fat more than carbs. Also I was fascinated to see my idea of a serving of
pasta or rice was way too much so even 10 years later I keep that in mind.

I too had gained too much weight at first. I actually ate more on the Gestational
diet but slowed down the weight gain I think because my blood glucose stopped going
all over the place. I have always had a self-diagnosed problem related to blood sugar
- pasta with creme sauce makes me almost go into a coma I have to lie down etc. so I
think finally for the first time in my life my blood sugar became level and that is
highly related somehow to weight gain - you may find that too that once you have
things level it will be easy to be at the right weight.

If eggs make you sick, do peanut butter or nuts. I found protein is key in regulating
blood sugar. This will only be complicated for a week - once you get into a routine
it will be easy. But time consuming. It would take me an hour in the morning to pack
up all my snacks.

Here are some I remembered. Oatmeal with some nuts (MUST be real oatmeal, I like
Steel cut), half apple with plain yogurt and almonds. Cheese cubes. Left over salmon
with left over rice and fresh spinach on top - yes I loved this for breakfast. Just
google sample menus for Gest Diabetes and follow one to the T - from there you can
make a few changes. And focus on veggies, salads, broccoli, blahblah. Eat left over
steak for breakfast or lentil soup - homemade, it is the easiest soup in the world to
make, takes like 5 minutes plus 40 minutes simmering.

Re the once a week nurse - yes I know what you mean but they know that you can't
control things perfectly, your body will respond to things in a ways you have no
control over. Just remember that these weekly talks keep you motivated to do it,
otherwise it is easy to slack off and they are not to make you feel bad. Think of it
as interesting, you will learn about your body in ways that will be helpful for the
rest of your life!
anon

-------------------------------------------
My second pregnancy, I was also diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I don't know
your case, but mine was ''borderline'' -- of the 4 blood-sugar draws, 2 were slightly
higher than the cut-off, so I got the label/diagnosis.

I was having all kinds of feelings about my weight and my health, given this. I went
to the nutritional counselor, and she was condescending and gave me the most basic
nutritional information (stuff, if you care at all about your health, you already
know). I was overwhelmed, and it made me feel awful about myself. But then I talked
to my ob-gyn quite frankly about it. We weighed all my feelings, and talked about
risks, and what Kaiser was trying (well-meaning) to do.
I monitored myself daily for two or three weeks, checked in with my ob-gyn, and
decided to scale it back.  We agreed that I just wouldn't subject myself to the
weekly call-in, if I checked in with her.

You know what? YOU DON'T HAVE TO CALL IN, you don't have to take every blood sugar
test, you don't have to do it all. I stopped -- I never called it in, I never
subjected myself to the advice nurse and reporting my daily numbers and meals. I knew
I was okay, and I took my numbers in to my ob-gyn and did spot checks there rest of
my pregnancy.

One thing I think it bears reminding: you know yourself better than anyone (even your
ob-gyn), and you do NOT have to subject yourself to Kaiser and its weekly calls and
oversight (and, in my view, its medical industrial complex). In my first pregnancy
and during delivery, I suddenly realized that I didn't have to say YES to everything
any random medical professional would recommend when she/he came into my delivery
room. And this is empowering: you are in charge, not the weekly call-in nurse. And
you can just NOT DO IT.

Back to Gestational Diabetes: you need to take care of yourself, and that INCLUDES
your mental health. Kaiser is going to over-protect you on the diabetes, because they
can see it and measure it and it protects them from liability. But you need to think
about how YOU are, because YOU are in charge of your own health and well-being.

Just a reminder: you can just say NO. No to weigh-ins, nutritional counseling, etc.
You can stop pricking yourself and feeling awful and bringing up all your old issues.

Take care of yourself, take care of your baby.
But remember, it is OK to say NO to Kaiser. They don't advertise that, because it
makes their jobs harder, but they will accept it.
- Advocate for myself

-------------------------------------------
Yipes. I have leaned towards disordered eating for a long time, and had gestational
diabetes when I was pregnant with my daughter. First, commend yourself for being in
recovery and adapting an intuitive eating style. That's no small feat and something I
continually struggle with. What worked for me with GD was figuring out what foods
sent my blood sugar through the roof, and cutting back or eliminating those. Milk and
cheese were big triggers for my blood sugar, so eliminating those really helped. It
was hard for me not to go back to the black and white thinking and tons of anxiety
with foods being good or bad. But viewing them instead of blood sugar spiking or not
helped a bit. The Kaiser nutritionists (back in 2008 anyway) were horrendous and not
helpful. Can you talk to your OB and ask for some wiggle room on the check ins? For
my second pregnancy I didn't get tested for GD (I refused), but took my own blood
sugar regularly to make sure it wasn't out of control. When I saw
 my numbers trend up a bit, I felt empowered to act on my own volition and I knew
what to do and reported them to my OB. My OB was enormously helpful and recognized
that the extra stress and anxiety was not good for my baby either. It seems like that
might be more helpful. That way you're in control and not feeling like you have to
report to someone, but are on top of it and providing info. Email me if you want to
brainstorm further
Heather

-------------------------------------------
First of all, you sound like an amazing and strong person with a good head on your
shoulders!  And congrats on #2!  I had GD with my second, and with no history of
eating disorders, I still found it emotionally trying.  The dietician (at Kaiser) was
a complete joke (I created my own diet with zero grains and a treat of fruit or
yogurt once a day and found that it worked much better than the craziness that she
was advising).  I definitely used ''tricks'' but mine were walking after most meals,
and drinking one glass of red wine before dinner (which Kaiser would NEVER have
recommended, but it took my numbers down quite a bit.  The weekly check-ins were
tough, but most of the time I had wonderful and understanding nurses on the other
end.  Even so, I ended up in tears a few times as I was trying SO HARD and still had
a tough time getting my fasting number down.  (I finally moved my prenatal vitamin to
the morning instead of the evening and it totally worked).

All of that to say that this might be a good case for medicating the GD.  I am NOT
one to suggest that lightly, but your state of mind is just as important to your
baby's health as keeping those numbers down, and it would make it so much easier--see
what your OB has to say.

Happy Mama=healthy baby.  You can do it!
GD mama

-------------------------------------------
Hi, I had gestational diabetes and am not a big fan of eating too much meat or a
steak & eggs breakfast.  I'm not sure of what you eat, but if you like nuts or almond
butter, maybe you could combine some with your breakfast of fruit to help those
numbers go down.  My numbers were even harder to control during my second pregnancy
that I ended up using insulin with meals.  I told the dietician I was feeling a
little ill trying to eat so much meat or protein with my meals that they tried to
help me through it with insulin.  They also saw that I was strictly eating very small
portions every two hours throughout the whole day during waking hours which was very
tedious plus I would wake up at night starving because my numbers were so high with
small portions such as 1/2 a cup of beans..  I was kind of at my last straw which is
why I resorted to the insulin.  It made me a much happier person.   That could be a
possible option for you although I do not know your thoughts on meds.  Ha
ng in there and try your best with the dieting..
Anon

-------------------------------------------
You've gained 15 lbs. in 33 weeks, which is excellent, and clearly demonstrates good
self care. At this rate you'll gain a total of 22 lbs. Your development of GD is not
because of poor choices. Your diet has been excellent. So even though you didn't have
high risk factors for GD, you got it anyway. Sometimes life works out like that.
It's too bad that your OB is clueless about your triggers. The standard literature is
aimed at unhealthy/overweight eaters, not you. The advise to ''not gain anymore'' is
BS and totally unrealistic and unhealthy. So you've encountered two health care
professionals that were unhelpful. This is their issue. Not yours. Try not to
internalize their shortcomings as yours.
Certainly you want to try to stabilize your blood sugar in these last few weeks.
Studies show that just 20 minutes of moderate level aerobic activity (the test used
stationary bike) regulated maternal glucose enough so that women with insulin
dependent GD were able to go off meds.
So most likely, you can take control of this by getting a minimum of 20 minutes, (30
would be even better) of moderate level aerobic exercise, daily. Fitness walking,
elliptical, stationary bike, swimming, aqua-aerobics, and treadmill are all good
choices.
BeFit-Mom, http://www.befitmom.com

-------------------------------------------
I have long suffered from whacky, shaky bouts of low blood sugar. Thirty years worth.
Many years ago I met with a nutritionist and learned some basic rules of eating but
never have been able to master the problem. Recently, I was told that I am
pre-diabetic, blood sugar around 110 or so. I am not overweight and don't eat sweets
or fast food, and I've been vegetarian for years. Parents have both been diagnosed as
Type 2 diabetic after many years of poor eating and being overweight. I have found
great value in maintaining control by drinking Optifast shakes. They are
nutritionally complete meal replacements typically utilized by overweight people
under medical supervision during weight loss. I don't use them for weight loss, but
since they are balanced in terms of fats, sugars, protein and minerals / vitamins
they are very satisfying for the 160 calories. I drink one for breakfast and I keep
them with me at the office, in the car, and even in the living room. Anything to
combat wild hunger pangs followed by low blood sugar issues. I realize that you are
dealing with high blood sugars but control is the issue.  Although anyone can
purchase Optifast products over the internet, it might be worthwhile to see if you
can get them by prescription or permission at Kaiser. During Kaiser's medically
supervised weight loss program, the patients can buy Optifast at a very reasonable
cost, so you would save quite a bit purchasing them through Kaiser if possible. My
friend completed the Kaiser Optifast program and I recall his mentioning that the
doctors said that many Type 2 Diabetes patients were able to go off pills and / or
insulin after being on the Optifast program.  Cheers!
Melanie

-------------------------------------------
Not a doctor here, so sorry if this is a ''stupid'' question. Why can't you just take
the easy way out and get some metformin while you are pregnant, and then eat as you
want to? It sounds as if you are eating very well, and so what if you happen to eat a
little more sugar (including starch) sometimes? I have type 2 diabetes, and take
metformin, and my blood sugar is fine. couldn't you do that? Maybe you should ask
your doctor.
Best wishes

-------------------------------------------
I can offer advice on vegetarian eating habits - I was diagnosed with GD 13 weeks
into my pregnancy! I'm vegetarian too and the thought of analyzing each meal (and
snack) overwhelmed me initially. But I quickly got into a routine and I found myself
not spending all my time planning my meals - I kept my regular nutritionist
appointments mainly because they did urine tests to check for the presence of
ketones(?). And don't put pressure on yourself to stay well within the limits all the
time. Sometimes, you will go a little over - just use that as a learning experience
and don't repeat the same combination of foods again. Here's the menu that I followed
-
Breakfast - 2 slices of toast with almond butter and (very little) jelly. 1 cup of
tea with 1/4 cup milk and 1/2 tsp agave syrup.
Snack - 1/2 banana or crackers or a small portion of some fruit.
Lunch - 1 cup quinoa with lentils and some vegetable and cottage cheese (cooked
Indian style). 1/2 cup yogurt
Snack - Tea again, with a slice of toast and some cheese.
Dinner - Similiar to lunch, except that I would substitute the quinoa with brown rice
or whole wheat tortilla.

This is just an example. The trick was to ensure the correct ratio of carbs to
protein (your nutritionist should be able to help you with this). Yes, the only thing
I gave up almost 80% was dessert, but I did indulge from time to time in very very
small portions. And yes, a 10-20 minute walk after every meal will do wonders for
your blood sugar numbers. I think the walk after every meal (especially when you have
eaten something high in carbs) always did the trick.

Good luck, I'm sure you will be fine and so will your baby. You don't have to stop
eating what you like (and it sounds like you already have a great balanced diet), you
just have to tweak the proportions a little bit. Stay on top of the testing though,
test after every meal (and fasting) and report anything unusual back to the doctor
immediately.
P

-------------------------------------------
Oh my god, what a nightmare! I am so sorry! Do you HAVE to opt into Kaiser's handling
of this?

I would call myself a disordered eater, though I have never had a full-blown eating
disorder. I go through periods of obsession over food as well. And I had gestational
diabetes OF COURSE because why should anything ever be easy? ugh.

Fortunately I had a terrific nutritionist AND a terrific friend who had just BTDT,
and both gave me very simple ways to deal with it and I found that their advice kept
my numbers where they were supposed to be.

The rules were:

Never eat just ONE thing. If you eat any carbs, combine them with protein. Bagel WITH
cream cheese never along.

Almonds all the time. Any time you are hungry.

Stay away from the scale, test blood sugar only.

And the best one:
Walk after eating. Your are likely to get a blood sugar spike after eating and
walking, physical activity, will mitigate that -- will keep the blood glucose from
spiking no matter what you eat.

I also got an app on my phone to keep track of all my finger-pricks because I just
love quantifying shit, and focusing on the blood sugar numbers kept me from focusing
on the scale numbers.

I have encountered SUCH ignorance around eating disorders. My current GP tried to
talk to me about my weight and I had to tell her ''I need to frame this as getting
healthy, not losing weight,'' and she was just flabbergasted and literally could not
do that. I hope you can -- I hope you don't have to keep talking to the nutritionists
about your food choices, that is such bullcrap and SO dangerous.

I know you can do this. I hope others have more specific advice about how to deal
with Kaiser.


-------------------------------------------
Hi,

Please just stop talking to those Kaiser nutritionists.  You're an educated person,
you're being responsible about your diet and your blood testing.  You've heard what
they have to say and weighed their advice.  Just stop communicating with them.  I had
a friend who had a very similar experience twice with GD at Kaiser - nurses calling
her to chastise her about her diet, making her cry every single day. Her husband is a
doctor at Kaiser and he told her to just stop answering the phone.  Her deliveries
and babies were just fine.

If you had different insurance, you wouldn't be badgered by nutritionists and your
outcome would almost certainly still be good.  You clearly have FAR more insight into
your own health issues than they do.
Press the mute button

-------------------------------------------
I'm breaking my response up into two messages to have room for it all. This is Part I
of my tome:

I sympathize with you. About a year ago I was diagnosed with GD with my second
pregnancy, and I too have a history of eating disorders going back over 20 years.
And I was with Kaiser too!  They have their strengths and weaknesses, and dealing
with a subtle, not-well-understood condition like GD is not one of their strong
points. I too felt shamed, lectured at, etc.

Now that the experience is over, I look back at it with a bit of fondness, as it was
actually very interesting and educational. Here's what I can tell you:

-Try not to feel bad about yourself for having the illness at all!  Before I was
diagnosed, I had some vague sense that GD was what happened to overweight/obese
mothers with bad diets. I should have known better. I was at a healthy weight before
getting pregnant and like you ate a very healthy diet--but I do have a brother with
Type 1 diabetes, a father with Type 2 which may actually be adult-onset Type 1 (he
was never overweight and always ate very healthily), and apparently a
great-grandmother from the old country who was blind as a complication of diabetes.
It clearly has a strong genetic component for some of us. But in addition to my own
personal sense of shame, I had to cope with one or two people who didn't get it
(hello, mother-in-law) and let drop some of those nasty stereotypes floating around
out there about diabetes...if this happens to you (and some of these stereotypes do
seem to be floating around the healthcare community), just say screw 'em.  Oh, and 15
lbs w
eight gain at 33 weeks is NOTHING.

-The cookie-cutter diet you get from a place like Kaiser is a helpful source of ideas
but should NOT be followed to the letter. If your guidelines are like the ones I got,
I actually think--after reading extensively on the topic--that it's not ideal for
controlling GD.  For example, it always said to eat low-fat dairy, whereas full-fat
dairy is generally recommended for controlling blood sugar. There was a lot of
''boneless skinless chicken breast'' type stuff on the recommended diet. I ignored
that. Fat is your friend if blood sugar is your enemy, and I was a big believer in
''eat real food'' before pregnancy.  So I ate chicken cooked on the bone with skin
on, and pork roast, and lots of cheese; and all that worked out fine for me. I also
believe (though I didn't experiment with this personally during my GD days) that
there really isn't that big a difference between ''whole grains'' and white flour for
blood sugar/insulin purposes. So, for example, you may well do just as we
ll with a portion of a butter croissant as with a slice of whole wheat toast...and
it'll taste better. If you were not overweight before pregnancy and have not gained
more than the recommended amount of weight, I recommend you do something similar.
Not being miserable and nauseated by what you eat is important for keeping stress
levels down.
long-winded GD mom

-------------------------------------------
Part II of two-part response:

-Personal nutrition is an art, not a science. In the beginning, I tried to do exactly
what the diet guidelines said, and it didn't always keep my blood sugar where it
needed to be. So I experimented. By the end of my pregnancy, I was an expert in what
I needed to do to keep my own sugars within range (for example, eating even fewer
carbs than they recommended at breakfast).  In my weekly meetings with the food/blood
sugar police ladies, I went from a B- student to an A+ student.  So if you have
trouble controlling your blood sugar at first, don't despair, and don't beat up on
yourself. Pay attention to what you eat, look for patterns, and you'll find something
that works.

-Exercise after meals had a HUGE impact for me and seems to for many others. If I
walked at a vigorous pace for 10-20 minutes after each meal, I'd always end up with
blood sugar where it needed to be. Over time I realized that this gave me more
freedom to eat, like, TWO slices of bread at a meal and still be fine.

-I could not for the life of me get my fasting blood sugar in the recommended range.
They put me on nighttime insulin early, and even that wasn't working.  So I turned to
the internet for advice, and found the answer: a small serving of full-fat vanilla
ice cream mixed with a little nut butter every night before bed. That worked where
nothing else had--and had the added bonus of soothing any carb/sugar cravings I had.
This would have been verboten among the people monitoring me at Kaiser, so I just
lied in my log and said it was Greek yogurt rather than ice cream. Which goes to my
point about: find what works for you, and don't take the professionals THAT
seriously.

-Are you a vegetarian for health reasons or ethical reasons?  If the former, you may
want to consider changing that. If you have GD, diabetes becomes one of your
long-term health bogeymen, and I think it's easier to stave it off if you eat meat. I
too hate eggs in the morning and would not have made it through GD without Trader
Joe's chicken breakfast sausage.

-BUT if you're looking for ideas for GD-friendly vegetarian non-egg breakfast, my
advice is to toss the concept of breakfast out the window and eat, say, vegetables
roasted with olive oil and parmesan cheese.  I'm currently on a quest to lose the 5
lbs that never came off after baby #1, and to do so I'm avoiding starchy carbs 2 days
out of 3, at the same time that I'm trying to dial my meat consumption back some. So
I've had roasted cauliflower and heirloom tomato salad for breakfast, and I've grown
to love it. When I'm feeling lazy, I go to the Korean market and get a variety of
Korean vegetable banchan and pull that out of the fridge in the morning.

-This page is a wonderful, intelligent resource that acknowledges and explores all
the complexity of GD: http://www.plus-size-pregnancy.org/gd/gd_index.html.

Good luck!  You can ask the moderator for my personal email if you want to talk
further.
long-winded GD mom

-------------------------------------------
Hi

I'm sorry this sounds really difficult.
I too had gb, and found the diet onorous and emotionally taxing.

However, I think if you push, maybe you an find a dietitian who give a you more
constructive diet advice. Through alta bates, their primary advice was to balance
proteins and carbs. I ate a lot of cheese sticks and nuts with everything. Of course,
all sweets were out, and fruit and carbs I had to meter out. Also, even though I felt
tired fr the pregnancy, I made sure to take a ten minute walk after every meal to try
to balance things out.
If you are a vegetarian, maybe beans, quinoa, nuts and cheese will help you balance
out the carbs.
I ate a lot of meat and eggs.
Wishing you well.
-
Me

-------------------------------------------
First of all, I want to say that I relate so much to your post. While I didn't suffer
from anorexia as seriously as you have suffered from your eating disorder, it did
consume my life in high school and I was about 25 lbs underweight. I still remember
the counting and the obsessions and the self-hate like it was yesterday. My only
escape was to stop thinking about food/calories/thinness entirely, and so many years
later I'm overweight because I never ever put myself on a diet, never ever allow
myself to feel defined by my weight, and while I try to eat healthy overall indulge
myself in treats a lot. It's not healthy to be 40 lbs overweight either I know, but I
needed to go cold-turkey or the anorexia would have taken over my life and possibly
killed me. So, I'm sorry that you have suffered with an eating disorder - it's
miserable and so hard to escape. Congratulations. I also had gestational diabetes
(was diagnosed at 29 weeks) and when I had to cope with the diet and finger
pricks and eventually had to take medication to keep in under control, I immediately
felt like it could trigger an anorexia relapse. I suddenly was counting every carb,
mapping out meals way in advance, keeping a diary of my food, feeling shame over
explaining my eating decisions to doctors, feeling like no matter how strictly I
adhered to the diabetes diet (I was fanatical), it wasn't enough and I still needed
medicine. I felt like a failure, GD was all-consuming and taking over my thoughts and
life. I remember thinking ''what would I do if I was still a vegetarian?'' (was
veggie for 10 years). I don't have answers for you on the vegetarian front. Eggs also
make me gag so I made a lot of tofu scrambles. I ate so much chicken, cottage cheese,
almonds and peanut butter when I was on the GD diet that I can barely stomach those
items nearly 3 years later. It's REALLY HARD to deal with GD - drs don't emphasize
that enough. Please allow yourself to cry and get upset that you have
 to face this illness while pregnant. It is not fair. It is !
not fun, and it is REALLY stressful. But you will get though it. I got a big
calendar and made large red X's every day that went by as my pregnancy progressed. I
found 10-15 meals that worked for me and repeatedly ate those meals week after week.
I couldn't go to restaurants, I cried many many times unable to satisfy pregnancy
cravings, I cried at the grocery store, I sobbed when my husband ate pancakes once.
It was extremely emotional. Please just hang in there. Eat as much protein and fiber
as you can (I know, I know). I treated myself to lattes and eating 2 avocados a day.
I just want you to know you're not alone. The only silver lining was that I felt much
much better physically when I was on the GD diet (I knew something was wrong and
could feel my body change under the diet). It also allowed me to only gain 25 lbs
while pregnant and the weight came off quickly once I gave birth. My child is totally
healthy. YOU CAN DO IT.
Soul Sister

-------------------------------------------
First and foremost, HUGE respect for conquering your eating disorder and a big
congratulations on your pregnancy.  This is hard, and of course I can not condone how
you are being treated.  But I'm not going to focus on that; I think the value here is
focusing on YOU and how you can respond to this negative input.  Can you think of
this as a kind of Phase II of your recovery?  It's beyond admirable that you have
come so far, creating a safe space for yourself around food and surrounding yourself
with positivity and support.  Now here comes a big dose of the real world, and it's a
tough pill to swallow.  And you can stay strong despite this.  Think of yourself,
maybe, as an addict re-entering the world after rehab.  You get well and strong in
this supportive environment, and then that strength is tested when faced with the
reality that the world will not be kind to you all the time or acknowledge your
struggle and your triggers.  That's ok.  You can stay strong.  You can detach
 from this negative input; it does not have to break you.  It doesn't even have to
hurt you.  It's an annoying and inconvenient process that has a definitive end date
(when you meet your sweet baby!).

In the meantime, up that support.  Talk about this as much as possible.  There is no
shame in your past or the fact that this is a trigger for you.  I have deep respect
and admiration for you and people who want to support you will feel the same way.

Here's to a happy, healthy pregnancy and birth that only reinforces your strength,
power, and profound inner wisdom.

Katie 

So there it is...I was almost in tears by the end, but also I felt so much better. I'd had a crummy call with the diabetes number checker yesterday (seriously, how many times do I have to say "I WAS CAMPING FOR 3 DAYS" before you get that not all food options were available? Also, you don't have to explain to me that there are carbs in dried fruit and M&Ms. I'm pregnant, not stupid. I didn't even eat any fucking M&Ms. Ugh.) so this was like a breath of fresh air. Mom's encouraged me to just tell people the conversation is over if they can't understand how to talk to someone who's had an eating disorder, and man, did BPN back her up.

Now here's hoping I've got the strength to actually do it when I have my next appointment - finally seeing a nutritionist on Tuesday...wanna take bets about how helpful she'll be?